3 Reason why you shouldn't leave food out when I visit

It's a no brain-er that people love food. I love food just as much as the next guy and I'll go to the ends of the earth to make sure my fat gut is fed. So when you decided to invite me over for your kids birthday, don't blame the dog if the cakes goes missing, it was probably me who stole it.

"I'm in a dog costume, eating your cake!"

REASON #3 "I hate sharing"

Don't get me wrong, I like the concept of sharing but if I have the chance to sneak an extra piece of cake, or 3, then I'll take. All I'm saying is that you should just probably eat before I get there because let's be honest, I just don't care about your feelings or how many kids you have to feed.

If you bought your dog a cake, don't be surprised if I eat that too. Besides, who throws birthday parties for dogs...wait..I know someone...moving on. If you also have enough cake to feed Genghis khans future generations just laying around then maybe it's you who has a problem, not me.

REASON # 2 "I'll complain about a free meal"

I don't care if your kitchen is a small whole foods with a spread of food from around the world. I'll eat it all and claim it wasn't good to guilt you in to being a good host and offering me something else and the circle will continue. I know what you're thinking, if it's not good why do you keep stuffing your face with it? All I can say to that is, fuck off, don't judge me.

"I ate my elbow and knee pads already"

REASON #1 "I have explosive bowles"

I will clog your toilet. It's a natural progression of eating all your food. You can't fault me for this because guess what? You poop too, I don't care how hot you are." But what you can do, is blame me for allowing the toilet to over flow and get undigested corn all over your new carpet. Like a terrible guest that I am, I feel that you picking up my poop is the nice thing to do as a good host. Remember you don't want to embarrass your guest because if you offend me I won't be your fourth when it comes time to play twister.

"Artist rendering"

Where's the cake?